Get Busy Living Or Get Busy Dying

Bittersweet Memories

2010-09-22T20:18:00.000-07:00

So it's happened, it's done. my schooling life is over. I graduated from year 12 just yesterday, it all happened so fast and even though it has hit me, im still somewhat in total disbelief. When i arrived yesterday i did not think i was going to cry, but i walked into school and saw a year 12 2010 banner and i started tear up and then when i saw all my friends and they started signing my shirt, i cried. once we got to assembly i was fine though. until the slide show begun and the kirsty and i cried together then for the end of year song my music group and i performed im yours, the whole year got up and clapped and sung along. i still couldn't believe this was our year, there graduating, it was surreal. it all went so fast and i really am going to miss seeing all my beautiful friends faces everyday. After the assembly i cried like the biggest cry baby ever, i was hugging everyone and telling them all how much i loved them. then everyone came back to mine to chill and hang by the pool after school one last time and i was fine until mum came home and said she had bought me a little something for graduation, a necklace with my name on it. then i cried again! It really is a bittersweet time because your happy that there is no more school and no more assignments and class work and annoying rules, but not seeing your friends on a day to day basis is the sad part and the fear of maybe loosing contact with them, though that's almost impossible these days thanks to phones and facebook but it is just that school is all that we have ever known and now it's time to make life exactly what we want it to be and we still have to rest of our lives ahead of us, out on our own. As much as i dislike school i will never forget the memories spent with all of my amazing friends. you have all made these past 6 years totally awesome :)

Was It Something I Said?

2010-09-10T23:37:00.000-07:00

no one loves me as much as I love them
no one cares for me as I care for them
this is why I spend the first nice weather day of spring at home, in a mist of a cloudy slumber
pondering my own thoughts
analysing every decision I have made, and if there has been any right ones
and if the people I drop everything for, are the people who deserve that from me.....

"Food for thought..."

The One That Got Away

2010-09-05T02:01:00.000-07:00

Summer after high school when we first met
We make out in your mustang to radiohead
And on my 18th birthday we bought matching tattoos
Used to steal your parent's liquor and climb to the roof
Talk about our future like we had a clue

Never planned that one day i'd be losing you
In another life I would be your girl
We keep all our promises be us against the world
In another life I would make you stay
So I don't have to say you were the one that got away
The one that got away.......

The Outside

2010-09-04T21:13:00.000-07:00

stressed from HSC, pissed of from bitches at school and then coming home to a family that doesn't feel like a family, its a house that has a mum and dad that screams at its eldest child for no reason what so ever. im sick of crying. Im so glad i have a place to go, a place to escape to. your always there for me. your so insanely great. thank you.

The Runaways

2010-08-28T06:19:00.000-07:00

Rock chicks = hottest things alive

Want,Love, Need

2010-08-21T21:44:00.000-07:00

Raawwwrrrrr

Paramore = love

2010-08-12T06:19:00.000-07:00

Rock n Roll Baby Don't you know that, were all alone now, i need something to sing about

Jump Then Fall...

2010-08-07T23:44:00.000-07:00

Sometimes all i need is a sunny day, the house to myself, a can of coke and a day of playing nothing but Taylor Swift to put me on track again <3

I think we have an emergency..

2010-08-05T03:27:00.000-07:00

It's happening again, I'm spiralling down,

back into that dark hole, a place i promised

myself I'd never return, there's something

in me that keeps crawling back,i can never

seem to fully shake it off, depression, it's

like it's always inside me, even when I'm

happy,deep down,somewhere, he's always

there. It seems that once you make friends

with darkness, you've made a friend for life.

No one seems to realise when the darkness

has crept back and when I need them most.

Being alone with darkness is the worst, there's

no one there to distract from him. Always a

part of me. I wish he would go away, and

stay away....

2010-07-30T09:16:00.000-07:00

I was alone, Falling free,
Trying my best not to forget
What happened to us,
What happened to me,
What happened as I let it slip.

I was confused by the powers that be,
Forgetting names and faces.
Passers by were looking at me
As if they could erase it

Baby did you forget to take your meds?
Baby did you forget to take your meds?

I was alone,
Staring over the ledge,
Trying my best not to forget
All manner of joy
All manner of glee
And our one heroic pledge

How it mattered to us,
How it mattered to me,
And the consequences

I was confused,
By the birds and the bees
Forgetting if I meant it

And the Sex and the drugs and the complications
And the Sex and the drugs and the complications
And the Sex and the drugs and the complications
And the Sex and the drugs and the complications

I was alone,
Falling free,
Trying my best not to forget

Solitude Is Bliss

2010-07-25T01:47:00.000-07:00

this weekend was a good one. got an opportunity to take a step back and look at were i am, were I've come from and were im going. a chance to slow down for a bit during such a busy time and think about things ive done........people can call me names and think what they want but guess what

fuck it
im young
you only live once
this is the time of my life
im meant to do stupid things
and learn from my mistakes
do some undignified things
and hopefully ,eventually become a better person later on because of it
so think what you want
judge all you wish
because i frankly dont give a shit

I used to be love drunk, but now im hungover

2010-07-22T06:49:00.000-07:00

you always do this, this always happens. you cant admit when you have been a a tad harsh and cant admit that your wrong or not perfect, even with the smallest of things. im always wrong in your eyes. i hate that i still love you (god knows why) and i hate that you still have pull over me, and that i still think you will come and say sorry sooner or later because you never do and i hate how you can still bring me to tears. im not texting you to say anything further, i still have an unpaid $400 phone bill thanks to you and im not going to cry, because to many tears have been shed because of you.

Just gonna stand there and watch me burn?

2010-07-19T00:03:00.000-07:00

"Maybe our relationship
Isn't as crazy as it seems
Maybe that's what happens
When a tornado meets a volcano
All I know is
I love you too much
To walk away "

2010-07-13T05:20:00.001-07:00

“When we were five, they asked us what we wanted to be when we grew up.
Our things were answers like astronaut, president, or in my case,
princess…
When we were ten, they asked us again. We answered - rock star,
cowboy, or in my case, gold medallist…
But now that we’ve grown up, they want a more serious answer.
Well, how about this… Who the hell knows?
This isn’t a time to make hard and fast decisions. This is the time to make
mistakes. Take the wrong train and get stuck somewhere chill. Fall in love - a
lot. Major in philosophy because there’s no way to make a career out of that.
Change your mind. Then change it again because nothing is permanent. So
make as many mistakes as you can. That way, someday, when they ask again
what we want to be…
We won’t have to guess. We’ll know.”

To cute and pretty to drink

2010-07-05T21:11:00.000-07:00

2010-07-05T06:39:00.001-07:00

"i cant explain it, or what i feel inside, when i see your face, i just seem to die. and im melting here tonight, as your gaze meets mine,and the moonlight shining upon your face, flows so delicately with the slightest of grace. draping through the darkness to embrace this cold dark night... oh what id give, just to hold you near, i dont think youll ever quite know just how much my dear. but there'll forever be a placefor you right here in my heart.. in my heart"..

wow...that's all i have to say i guess

Ava Adore

2010-07-04T02:33:00.000-07:00

i don't know what i feel towards anyone anymore.... everything is moving so fast. I don't know what i want, or what to do and it's driving me crazy. i don't want to dive into something again so quickly. i just got out of something messy and defiantly still need time to heal. it still hurts. i also don't know what i feel for that other person. argh life is so confusing, a never ending puzzle.

No getting over you

2010-06-30T06:29:00.000-07:00

whenever it's you and me , everything's so dramatic. We have moments that seems like they have been scripted in a movie. you and me are either perfect or on the brink of insanity, one of the two extremes. i can't date you because we fight like crazy and i can't just be friends with you because of in insane amount of affection and feelings i have towards you that never ever seems to shake off. you drive me absolutely crazy, i don't know what it is. I can't seem to get you out of my head. i thought my feelings were gone but there obviously not. I don't know what I want, I don't know what I want. ah what to do what to do, I guess there's no getting over you....

Cassie :)

2010-06-25T06:52:00.000-07:00

"oh..Totally"

2010-06-17T04:09:00.000-07:00

"She said, hello mister
Pleased to meet ya
I want to hold her,
I want to kiss her,
She smelled the daisy,
She smelled of daisy's,
She drive me crazy,
Gonna take her for a ride
on a big jet plane
Gonna hold you,
Gonna be kissing in my arms "

Easier to Run

2010-06-13T06:16:00.000-07:00

Eventually, when I save up enough, I'm going to pack up, get out, grab some friends and a camera, travel everywhere in a kombi van, get drunk,get high, have adventures and just leave this world behind.....

Im watching you..

2010-06-09T06:51:00.000-07:00

..watch over me, and iv'e got...the greatest view from here <3

Used and abused

2010-06-03T05:44:00.000-07:00

You didn't trust enough, i trusted too much. I'm not perfect, we all screw up, we all make mistakes. i not a sinner but I'm not a saint. I've made mistakes, I've done some stupid things, but it doesn't mean i should have to be punished for them forever. how come the person i have loved more then anyone was the hardest to be with and the messiest ending ever? why must i always fall for someone who is either pathetic or the situation is insanely complicated? why does everything have to be so hard? why must we be criticised for every time we make a mistake or a slip up? no matter how big or small that mistake is? what if you don't even do anything wrong yet people still assume and accuse? why must people do that? why can't people also admit that they are not perfect either?why must we all go through so much pain? why must my heat ache so much? why must i keep getting my heart repeatedly broken? why can't things stay good for a while when they actually do get good? AM I NOT ALLOWED TO BE HAPPY FOR MORE THEN ONE DAY AT A TIME, must something ALWAYS HAVE TO COME UP! this is why i don't believe in god, and if he exists, he must hate me. life isn't fair, life is fucked.

Random rant about everything

2010-05-29T09:38:00.000-07:00

since the careers expo at MLC on Friday I've been thinking about my future and what i want to do with myself and my life a lot, maybe more then i should. i thought i would get nothing out of the expo but i did. before i walked into the car park where it was held and picked up flyer's and booklets of everything music, dance and photography related i didn't really think i could do much, i had almost no options, i now have to many. at the moment I'm considering the following when i leave school: 1. audition for either music theatre or contemporary music course at AIM (Australian institute of music) and find a job to help support me. 2. JMC academy of popular music and performance or 3. CATC design school, enrol in a photography course, work towards photojournalism, have a part time job and work on forming a band in spare time. leaning more towards option 3 at the moment. who knows though. maybe even bartending could be cool as a job, since im a night owl, the hours would be perfect for me :)

i also really hope to do well with my ATAR even though the places i want to go to are all either audition or portfolio based i want to prove to myself that i can do well. the back of my door and walls are becoming covered in notes. i really need to clean my room, any takers? i often dream about my dream house or apartment. anything with a room purely for music with speakers, guitars, records, record player and awesome sound systems, a room full of books, lounge room, kitchen and bedroom filled with funky furniture and Polaroids photos all over the walls sounds good to me.
i hate being sick. loosing my voice and ability to sing is terrible. its so depressing not being able to sing.

one last thing. Nate is the best thing that's ever happened to me. and i love him. and that is the end of my rant for tonight :)

Love

2010-05-26T06:32:00.001-07:00

Cutest things ever, i want. that is all

And everything is going to the beat

2010-05-23T08:22:00.000-07:00

A big breather, a good long talk, a quiet think and a good cry are all you need sometimes to get your head and life back into the right space. i can do this, i can do the HSC. i finally have structure in my life. this year is all about ME and how well I can do. weather i do bad or not is entirely up to me. i feel normal again. i am absolutely excited and terrified of the next upcoming 5 months or so. i have the bad/scary stuff such as trials, hsc,assignments and endless hours of study but i also have to good such as last days of school ever, looking kick arse in the yr 12 jersey's, formal, schoolies, metallica concert and my amazing friends and boyfriend to keep me smiling and help me through it all. "I am the master of my fate, the captain of my soul" i am the only one who can make me entirely happy and I'm trying my best to do so. wish me luck.

Your words are like knives

2010-05-15T00:17:00.000-07:00

I am dying. I know theres only six months left but I just don't think I'm cut out for this. I want this to be over. so long have i waited for the days of ease of no school. I sometimes question why i came to year 11 and 12. I guess to prove to myself that I can do it. and ive done better then I ever anticipated. i just want to break free of it all,

but i must admit finishing soon, the thought of it scares me slightly sometimes. I'm trying not to be so eh stuff this. i need some sort of new motivation.

just doing it isn't enough for me. i admire alot of my friends who are so insanely determined and hardworking. they don't know it but they are half the reason ive stuck my head in my books, clamped down on the keyboard to type up assessments and highlight every important key point in the mountains of notes we receive.

I Want To Break Free

2010-05-14T01:42:00.000-07:00

"Were all gonna die......

...So let's get high"

2010-05-09T02:07:00.000-07:00

I could do the things you say I do

I could go behind your back

I could sneak around

Smash your metallica cd and never give it back

I cold be lying every time I spoke to you

I could not mean every single I love you

I could have put no real thought into the gift I gave you

Just to get you of my back

I could just put you in my msn name

Just to give you a sense of security

I could have fooled around with every guy in my year

Just to piss you off

But the thing is I haven’t

But that doesn’t matter does it

You wont believe me anyway

Even if I showed you evidence

But this doesn’t have to be a court case

A constant battle for the truth

Because I fucking love you

And all I ask for in return, is that you love and trust me too

....

2010-04-26T03:33:00.000-07:00

"it’s not gonna be easy. It’s gonna be really hard. We’re gonna have to work at this every day, but I want to do that because I want you. I want all of you, for ever, you and me, every day"
<3

Made My Day

2010-04-21T20:13:00.001-07:00

http://www.iamawesome.com/

Brettaisagirl

2010-04-19T02:35:00.000-07:00

Cool photographer/ drawer. Current obbsession

My Happy Ending

2010-04-17T00:26:00.000-07:00

Party was fabulous, lots of shopping was done and a splendid two week holiday was well spent. Life is good. im so glad i found you.

Recently told someone for the first time my real feelings about the other person who was a big part of my life a while back. we ended without a propper ending ."You where all the things i thought i knew, and i thought we could be...it's nice to know that you were there, thanks for acting like you care and making me feel like i was the only one, it's nice to know we had it all, thanks for watching as i fall and letting me know we where done....so much for my happy ending"but none of that matters now I have someone who treats me so well. Thank you meghan for thursdays vent. your the best freind anyone could have and i love our minghag days even when we just chill and do practicly nothing. if you and i ever had a fight and stoped talking i dont know what i would do.

life is good, ive stoped taking things for granted, i dont know how i was ever so stupid to be suicidal in the past. Ive learnt to appriciate and find love and happiness in the smallest of things, im finaly at peace although life is is a never ending roller coaster of ups and downs and everything changes all the time, ive found myself and i have a few amazing people to thank for that, i hope they know who they all are

Killing Loneliness

2010-04-06T00:47:00.000-07:00

So happy. Evrything is slowly but surely falling into place. Im so excited for satturday my 17th party, i hope everything goes well. only thing that is worrying me at the moment is money and how i kinda really need a propper job, but ill worry about that after HSC i guess :). one person in particular is continuously making me smile. he know who he is.

"I wanna wake up where you are, I won't say anything at all ,So why don't you slide "

"He says everything I need to hear

And it’s like I couldn’t ask for anything better.

He opens up my door and
I get into his car and he says
you look beautiful tonight.
And I feel perfectly fine" These are jsut some lyrics that describe how i feel about you. you drive me crazy and ive never felt this way about someone before, especily not this fast but im deffiantly not complaining :)

Nom Nom Nom

2010-03-26T20:57:00.000-07:00

I want a million of these, that is all

Sun Hit's The Sky

2010-03-26T19:18:00.000-07:00

First week of exams is OVER. i couldive done better but i guess i needed this to show that i need to be even more orginised. which i plan to be, i just need this break thats comming up. Im also very excited for schoolies. A whole week away from home, all the worries and stresses about going into the "real" world can be left behind. A whole week with some of my most loved freinds, in a beach house, beahcing it and shopping all day then partying all night. it's going to be so epic. Just to get away from it all. Have a week with no rules, no one calling you at 3am saying "were are you im worried sick get home!" It's almost April again which means busy time for me indeed, Dad's birthday is on the 31st of March, mine is on the 2nd of April, Zians on the 6th and my Nan's is on the 9th! not to mention easter inbetween all of that. My birthday happens to be the first day of holidays this year and thursday night im going to have some close friends over then they will be there for my actual birthday. My 17th party is on the tenth, meghan and I are going costume shopping on sunday :) We hope to find Sailor Scout outfits somewhere if not ebay will be or last resort.

Ive been known for having a massive and rather out there shoe collection, most of them being high heels but i have grown a bigger love for sneakers. There are two pairs in particular that i am dying to own. Tiger print converse and gold winged adidas ones. Let's hope the birthday money is in large amounts :P. Hm what else...I havint taken many photos in a while. I plan on putting my camera into good use these holidays, take snaps of everything.....OH! Josh Thomas has released a comedy album and i saw add's for all new supernatural eppisodes alst night, i think it's easy to say i am one happy chap.I also am hoping to muster up enough money to go to vampire weekend <3

Big Jet Plane by Angus & Julia Stone = New favourite song and Supergrass the band are wicked. thats about it. K thanks bye

Chase that feeling

2010-03-15T03:46:00.000-07:00

hello blog, how I've neglected you lately, I'm sorry. Ive actually been focusing on school as much as possible. I'm having the best day.I'm so happy for some reason. everything is just good again. Footy season again :) tigers won their first game yay! going to the roosters vs tigers game this weekend with Jacqui, Nate and dragging Jono and others along :). Ruth's paint party was so much fun, we all had a paint fight, slippy slides and pretended we were five again. it was so cool and we listened to nothing but vampire weekend, mika and ACDC, life doesn't get much better :)

Also am planning a small shingdig at mine this weekend, a good way to chill before exams start. I'm also very excited for my 17th. i started handing out invites today yay. i hope my happy mood continues for quiet some time :)

As much as i ever could

2010-03-07T03:39:00.000-08:00

we all want to mean something. we all want to be remembered for something. we all want to be known, to be loved. by many or even just a few. were all trying to be all we can be. these are stressful times, i promised i wouldn't let the stress get to me but it's seeping through. slowly spreading through me. i hope i can make it through to hsc. its going so quick yet so slow at the same time. this is madness. lets see what happens..............

Feels like.. the music sounds better with you...

2010-02-26T05:54:00.000-08:00

Been going to fair few concerts lately and have recently started practicing with a friend for my music performance and it's kind of brought me back. for a while i forgot what music meant to me. Music makes the world go around. it gets you through the bad times and makes the good times even better. It helps you express who you are. Ive been writing a lot of songs lately, and even if i never really make it i hope to be making music when i leave school, even if it's just a hobby on the side.

And I wonder
When i sing along with you
If everything could ever feel this real forever
If anything could ever be this good again

i can't stop thinking about you, and i know you cant stop doing the same. just knowing that much makes me happy and that's all i need right now......

Dragging Dead Bodies In Blue Bags Up Really Long Hills

2010-02-21T16:12:00.000-08:00

.....that's what it felt like at times walking up the hills at yesterdays soundwave festival. the past week and a bit has been awesome. Last Sunday i saw Taylor swift live and she was amazing and put on great show, she was stunning,funny and just so talented. Then this Thursday i saw one of the worlds greatest rock bands ever...ACDC! the affects were amazing! they had a flipping train in the middle of the stage with devil horns! and for those about to rock they had real cannons! and for hells bells a giant old school bell with ACDC on it and Angus ran and jumped on its string and staring swinging on it! oh Angus young how i love you so, there all 50 yet they can still move like hell. Angus Young did a 15 minute guitar solo and at one stage he was on the floor, spinning around while playing guitar. i don't know how he does it, it was just wow... an experience i don't think ill ever forget.then this Sunday was SOUNDWAVVEE! one of the best days ever. i saw Alexisonfire, HIM, Paramore! (yes i was a few metres away from Hayley Williams), Escape the fate, AFI, Taking back sunday, Placebo! ah amazing. i got lifted up on peoples shoulders, was covered in permanent marker, walked around without a shirt on for msot of the day, and danced to placebo completely soaked in water thanks to the security people with free water and hoses. such a good day/night that i will never forget, oh did i mention that i met ESCAPE THE FATE?! yeap that's right, and when escape the fate saw that i had E.T.F written in permanent marker on my cleavage they smiled and went right oonnnnn ;) + *nods heads up and down in approval* YEAHH! even though i almost fainted from dehydration at the end of paramore and came home with no voice, dead legs, cut son my legs, hunger pains, headache from my cold, and a few kilo's less from all the walking, moshing and the amount of sweat loss it was all worth it, even if i had never felt so dead in my life.

Take time, to realize...

2010-02-08T01:48:00.000-08:00

some people learn the hard way, I've been learning most things the hard way my whole life. yet at the same time I'm a very lucky person i have no idea why it's so hard for me to realise this most times. This afternoon i bought the book called The Simple Gift by Steven Herrick simply because i need it for my HSC course and had to write a thesis about it by tomorrow even though i had not yet read it. the most perfect song was playing as i entered the book store, Sway by the Kooks one of my all time favourites. Bought the book said good bye to friends came home sat down and read it within two hours since it was not a difficult read, although it was not very difficult it did not think a book i thought nothing of (especially after hearing many negative comments from students in class) that i could be one big reality check and attitude adjustment that i really have needed right now. I've needed a big kick up the arse and this happened to be it. the novel touched me. The carriage that was Bill's home for months remind me of the carriage i stayed in over night down in Woolongong especially when he said these carriages that would probably be sold for carriage motels, like the one i stayed in, that was all styled up classy cosy country style, the carriage i stayed in during the best Christmas of my life so far. it is only February yet i have stated so many times already that this year is starting terribly. Maybe a terrific ending to a year ensures a not so great start to a new one to remind you the harsh dark holes that we fall into during this thing that we call life. Bills story reminded me how fortunate i am, and how one can be a homeless 16 year old living in a carriage just enjoying the simplicity of life away from everything and everyone was a major reality check. i was falling more and more in love with the story with each page and it was so simple yet just so effective. As someone said to me tonight, your mood is a state of mind, if you want to be happy just try and be happy it's that simple. yes yes it is. Even though what i was told last night i hope forever will never get out to anyone more then it already has I'm going to hold my head up high. Stop feeling ugly all the time, there are many people less fortunate looking then i and sure my best friend is stunning but hey I'm going alright as well. Stop focusing on all the negativity that is around me, I'm not going to forget it is there because that is no good either that way nothing gets resolved but try and focus on it only when absolutely necessary. No more treating my body badly. i really let myself go this summer, i just didn't care any more. i used to have V's to wake me up every morning. no more. now it's cold bottle water which is good for my body and voice box which i need for singing for HSC. So turning a new leaf and i mean it this time i think Ive finally found myself. I have people that love and care for me and all these material things i do not really even need. one day when i do have my own house, job, possessions etc etc i will make sure that once a month i find my self an old carriage and live a penniless existence for a few days to bring myself back down to earth for a massive reality check.

Daydreaming

2010-02-06T19:42:00.000-08:00

first weekend i have done basically nothing in a very very long time. since my computer was constantly stuffing up i indulged myself by watching all my favourite musicals and reading my new Yen magazine, which came with a fee CD, gotta love freebies (Y). been adding to my music library as always. recently downloaded an album called Ultraviolet by Kid Sister who is a gorgeous and wickedly cool chick from Chicago who is a bit pop/hip hop with some wicked beats. i have a bit of a girl crush her she is quite stunning. and the cover art is rather yummy too.

Also i am seeing Taylor Swift tonight as an early birthday present with my sister, I'm so excited i can't wait! i may faint because of her being so darn pretty. anyway random post also things are a bit better from that last Post of mine, sort of anyway adios.

Everything We Had

2010-02-01T22:23:00.000-08:00

take me back to the simple days

it would be easier without any friends

it would be easier if you went already connected

it would be easier if you never got involved with anything or anyone

it would be easier because then you wouldn't have to hurt

it would be easier not being involved in conflict and being instantly a part of it simply because a good friend is

it would be easier if this heart didn't ache

it would be easier if i had nothing for goodness sake

but it's too late for any of that now.

but I'm going to try any way

stay away

sit alone

until people grow up

and get over the bitchiness

it's our last year, it's supposed to be our best

so far it's not turning out this way

Stay Away

2010-02-01T00:42:00.000-08:00

i don't understand anything any more. as soon as you think you finally have everything figured out and your life's on track everything just stuffs up again. it's happening already. it's only the second month of the year and it's happening. I'm spinning, in a downwards spiral, back into that deep dark hole which took me so long to climb out of. even though i may not look upset all the time and i do experience genuine moments of being happy most days, it doesn't mean I'm any less depressed then i was that night before retreat i guess. it did improve for a while but it always creeps back. i feel ugly all of the time, no matter what the compliment i receive is. I'm not sad, being sad and being depressed are two completely different things. if your sad, you can get better after a a good talk with a friend and a nice cup of hot chocolate, but when your depressed it's always at the back of your mind, even when you don't realises it and always manages to creep back. i don't know why I'm feeling so crap all the time. maybe lack of sleep? who knows. all i do know is that I'm falling again, many recent things i have triggered it and i really wish i could get rid of this feeling....but i just can't.

Hurricane Streets

2010-01-26T03:16:00.000-08:00

Taping our hands together like dinosaurs,All nighters, sleeping in tents, Manly beach, sand and water fights, burying Rochelle, sleeping over at Jacqui's, Failing at Mario Cart on her game cube, Sailor moon and fast food, Jaffar flavoured ice cream (lmao),"OK JONO KEEP IT IN YOUR PANTS FOR HALF AN HOUR!", grape throwers, "why do i smell like Doritos?", raping Kirsty with a toilet roll, prank calls, scaring lad's by singing YMCA in the middle of the train station, sitting in front of the male toilets while on the ferry, "Hello my name is Tatiana ima from a Russia i get Mafia on you ahehee ;)",roasting marshmallows, "ill met you guys at the key place (circular quay?? haha troy), them damn wogs getting kebabs at manly then throwing hot chips and getting attacked by 100's of seagulls. just a quick recap on the past day and a bit. i had a blast i don't want this summer to ever end, it;s gone to quick, I'm just not ready for school, not yet.....i wish i had a safety net, that is all k thanks bye.

Ashtray Heart

2010-01-19T03:59:00.000-08:00

I want an off switch for my feelings. today was going so well, until it happened i got what i wanted at the time i guess but afterwards i thought stupid me. you kissed me. then i said stop. its crazy what just a kiss can do. that it can make everything cloudy again. it kind of has. i know you can't date me or whatever, but i still have feelings and it seems like you do as well. it's like being in a relationship without actually being in one. it's going be hard to hang with this one and just be '"friends" *sigh* I have ruined the freindship by saying anything, pretty sure i need to learn to keep my mouth shut.

just because men have dicks doesint mean they have to act like one

2010-01-17T06:18:00.000-08:00

ok first off yes i am completely over you and two how dare you do that. you start a fucking conversation with me so i be normal hey whats up la la la then oh shes back online hush now bye bye. um no. you once said that when your old gf left and went overseas u were a mess yeah well guess what im not made of fucking stone so was i and even though im over you i dont fucking appreciate being told to hush so u can talk to some chick you met over there when i was miserable here so fuck you. and when i told you this you come back with yeah well i dont appreciate you talking shit about me then when i say what does that mean back that up, you go quiet yeah thats right so i hope you enjoy the last words i will exchange with you for a very long time witch here fine ok i see how it is all you men are the same just dicks i feel sorry for Linda bye *blocks* i HATE men and relationships never get into one they just FUCK with you

Carousel

2010-01-15T21:20:00.000-08:00

Hello blog, it's been a bit. I've been rather busy lately. Things are good, really good, even though I'm a bit nervous about school witch is starting soon because i still have some things hanging over my head from last term witch i just want to get rid of because i want to start fresh,clean,organised and ready and get get this last year over and done with (then party like crazy) but yes apart from that like i said things have been good. first of I'm over men and decided I'm just going to crush on no one but Haley Williams from now on. Yesterday was so good. i hosted a little party for Kristen and Jacqui. before everyone came Casey came over we baked a failed chocolate cake (witch still tasted delish even though it broke into two pieces) and watched sex and the city. life does not get much better. people say that the holidays show who your real friends are. witch is true for some people i know this has helped them see who really cares about them it has for me too. Ive seen and kept in contact with practically everyone witch i am really thankful for and even if i haven't seen some people we have still had the courtesy to invite each others to events and such but sometimes it's so hard to see people. i wish days lasted longer.

Nasty Habits?

2010-01-05T04:29:00.001-08:00

had an amazing day with jacqui, fran, kirsty and rachel today. after hours of talking and dnm'ing it kind of made me realize that relationships are rather fucked and can be hard work, and you fight for stupid reasons and made me totally rethink my new years resolution, why not have fun? and if someone does comes along that's a bonus? i don't know if i should throw it all away, chances are probably wouldn't have lasted anyway. hmm we will see i guess...

Im Not Down

2010-01-03T13:14:00.000-08:00

Still awake...

All nighter last night, not that it was a pre meditated decision or anything, just happened once again as my insomnia took over.....Ew, theres a weird bug on Russel Brands autobiography *Proceeds to smash it to death with a new unread book received for Christmas titled "Puccini's Ghosts", if you have read it and think it's not worth the read, let me know*Now where was i, ah yes no sleep and me writing this at 6.25 am. it's rather nice watching the sun come up but mind you it's much nicer when the weather isn't as ghastly as this. To me there is something disturbingly peaceful about the wee hours of the morning. It's so quite that i was almost petrified to get my daily morning(well, usualy for me midday) fix of breakie juice, (as coffee doesn't agree with my taste buds) because i thought i would wake the whole house up, though me getting a drink or something when everyone is asleep late at night, I'm fine well most likely because i often do so and i am a night owl so I'm more used to the stillness of the night. to be honest I'm More scared of the early hours of morning then the dark hours of night. most likely because when I'm usually waking up the world has woken up and has proceeded to live their lives but at this hour when the majority is still asleep yet the sun is up, it scares me to look outside. i think things like, was there a bomb last night that killed everyone but me? hello, where is the world?

i don't really know why I'm writing all this, just feel like too many random thoughts have been bouncing around all night i guess, i think just the way a city or suburb can be so alive at certain times then so dead the next. ok, I'm going to go indulge my mind now by reading Frankie magazines and The Perks Of Being A Wallflower (again! =]), while listening to Phoenix and the Dirty projectors. yeah random blog post indeed......adios!

Goodbye 09

2009-12-31T20:50:00.000-08:00

Well well well, what a year! Ive learnt a lot of lessons, met some amazing people, experienced lots of new things and developed more as a person. I had an amazing Christmas. usually at Christmas when i see my dads side of the family i kind of sit there awkwardly and don't really enjoy myself even though there are all insanely nice but not this year i had a blast and i had a great new years too, being surrounded by people you love and enjoy being with, a bit of grog and an epic view of the fireworks is all you need. i hope my new years resolution works out, i only had a little midnight kiss last night so that's good i guess =] also I'm scared and excited as to what yet another year will hold....lets just hope i don't fall deep into another hole

Time to save me from myself

2009-12-27T06:04:00.000-08:00

"I'm not in love, i just wanna be touched...i just want your kiss boy" -Kate Nash

That's what i used to be like, we all know i don't mind a few kisses at most parties i go and i like to make the most of being single (not that I'm a full on slut or anything but you get me?) but my faithful blog followers, i have a new years resolution. because of recent events Ive decided to rethink the way i can be sometimes, i know I'm a sexual person but i also just want to be loved, who doesn't? i want to find some one again who really cares about me but because i have been having meaningless fun while doing that i started to realise people must take me less seriously and because of that, see me as more a good time instead of girlfriend/lover material. So here is my new years resolution all, no more spin the bottle, kissing people for the fun of it etc I'm saving it all up for someone who cares. I'm not going to seek out someone to like, I'm not going to even consider dating someone unless they prove they really care about me or doing something romantic for me. i know it's cheesy but i just want to find some one who loves me for me again and be serious with someone, for a long time. I'm very excited about the few upcoming days leading up to new years, its jam packed i cant wait. i hope you all had a merry Christmas, did i mention mine was the best Ive ever had? ill explain in a later post. for now i must go....laters!

For Breadon :)

2009-12-23T05:55:00.000-08:00

there you are my dear, just for you, i don't feel bad any more :) did yall know breadon is pretty darn rad? oh yea, he loves my blogfish too almost as much as i. did i mention his awesomeness? k thanks bye :)

Take me back to the age of innocence

2009-12-21T01:30:00.000-08:00

Firstly, Merry Christmas everyone! i don't think I've been this excited for a Christmas since i found out Santa was not at all real. tonight me and my dear friend Alex have been reminiscing about childhood such as first albums, our favourite songs/singers, how much better 90's kid shows such as lamb chop, Mr squiggles, art attack, the original Pokemon series, Malcolm in the middle and all Aussie adventures where so much better then today's kids show (eg, Dora becoming a tween, what the hell is that?)and also remembering how we had to perfect everything for Santa and what happened when we found out that Santa Claus, dear old saint Nicholas was all a big lie. Do you remember the times of making sure everything was clean? making sure the warm milk and the plate of cookies and the carrots for his reindeer where perfectly set out on your coffee table? making sure your balcony door was unlocked so he could get in (or maybe that is just me since I've lived in units my whole life and never have had a chimney) and how you made the list for him and you tried to wrap your mind around how he could cross the world in just one night? WOW! i don't think ill ever forget the day i found out he wasn't real, friends at school told me and i remember i refused to believe and still wanted to so bad i had a big fight with Alicia and Jess about it. they where like, THEN HOW DOES HIS SLEIGH FLY? i replied...........erm..............um..............CHRISTMAS SPIRIT......yeah ah uh. then i went home and asked mum and she was like, yeah he's not. i was so upset and every year since that year 6 Christmas it wasn't as fun for me, pretending for my little sister and missing not knowing and realising that everything was changing for me but now that she knows too my whole family jokes around and goes ZOMG SANTA! YAY! and tease little Zian about it who just goes...=.= i know hes not real, then we go oh sure he is! don't say that! :D so now for once I'm as excited as i used to be as a little oblivious naive child, maybe also because this year has been insanely good and life changing and a big learning experience. Merry Christmas all, hope you enjoy it as much as me :)

them crooked vultures

2009-12-17T00:43:00.000-08:00

People are weird. Today was a day full of mixed emotions, feelings, outbursts and surprisingly good times. to drive to burwood station, it takes 15, 20 minutes at the most but today two buses i was waiting around for public transport, it took two god damn hours witch put me in a bad mood to start of my day and because i was late i felt bad for Rachel as it was her birthday and i had delayed everyone, but it turned out we wern't very late after all so i cheered up a bit once we arrived and found everyone else at the beach, i also think the fact i barely ate all day put me in a bad mood also, but i bought the new Frankie magazine at bondi station so that upped my spirits a bit too. all in all a good day and on the train home, i told Sarah askew and Jana I'm glad we have been hanging out at lot more this summer because we never have previously and there real nice girls whom i now enjoy spending time with. there where just various things that happened today that kinda kept me down throughout the day. such various random weird things people do. like when i was late and running to the station at burwood, two leb guys yelled "RUN EMO RUN" because we all know in burwood if your not lass, or lebb and wear chuck taylors and actually have style, your emo. Also on my way home walking from the station there was a pretty obese man walking towards me,so i stepped to my left to let him pass by like i would any other human being but as i do so, he gave me a strange look then decided to walk into me and go EH!!! and bump me backwards with his mighty belly! it hurt! it was bizarre! i just had this stunned look on my face and an a elder man next to me was like, did you know him, my response NO! then he asked if i was okay then we agreed it was insanely absurd. this is a weird weird world.

My Paper heart

2009-12-12T19:44:00.000-08:00

Well it's finally summer holidays and all is well so far, its been non stop since school finished Wednesday. Last night i hosted Axel an epic goodbye party, i was partying from 11.30am till 3am. started off with everyone at the pool nearest my house with the music pumping, random hot guys with epic tattoos joined us ;) and the weather was just prefect, we had soft drinks and food, my big havianna thong lilo, i didn't have to buy any food/grog/drink all day since everyone else supplied it (Y) then at about 4/5 some of those girls left then we all went up to my apartment more people came, all the boys brought the grog, we played tipsy sing star and partied all night, then me and Daniel dnm'd till 3am while our mothers where out haha :) was a good day and has really gotten me looking forward to this summer, a change is in the air....

Boulevard Of Broken Dreams

2009-12-09T18:18:00.000-08:00

:S whyhmm yes well where to start. i think ill start at how i will fail hsc Ive been so insanely nervous it but ill hopefully pull through somehow. also i still cant believe what Mr galea said in that meeting yesterday when i said i didn't believe in god, "its very fashionable not believe in god Zara" thanks sir good to know you think i choose my beliefs based on weather it is "fashionable" or not. yeap good to know you think i am really that shallow that's just grand. there are four members of the opposite sex that are annoying me greatly. how am i to good for you? why do you STILL manage to annoy me? why must you be so on and off and why must you still say stuff like that even though its over? men i swear, and people wonder why there's so many lesbians in the world.

despite that stuff life's going pretty alright i suppose, had an epic pool day at mine and have some really good events coming up, I'm so pumped for New Years at mine it will be grand, Casey's party was good also, court's slr camera ensured great results. speaking of slr's i get to borrow a friends one for the holidays, start my art major work i cant wait to use it =]

Out dated and Over rated

2009-11-29T03:40:00.000-08:00

with so many beautiful people in the world, how can one feel good about themselves? Today i saw a picture of a girl i know and it was simply stunning, it made me want to seriously just slit my own neck. with so many people in this world it so hard to feel special. also I'm currently disliking being alone quite a lot. its a lot easier being single when you haven't had someone before, or a really good relationship that ends for reasons that just suck that either of you can really help i guess. but i am starting to like someone again and i don't really know what to do *sigh* i just miss having someone there i guess, like you always have your friends but sometimes you miss that someone who can say i love you and mean it, call you beautiful even if you don't believe them and get really excited when you see them and to put your arm around when you wake up in the mornings......

Rollercoaster, without the saftey bar

2009-11-19T01:42:00.000-08:00

As soon as you feel your on top of the world again, a series of unfortunate events bring you down again. i feel invisible. Being home alone is just peachy when your sad (sarcasm that is you know just in case you didn't notice like no one noticed today)i hope everyone enjoys the silent treatment tomorrow k thanks bye

Broken Hearted Girl

2009-11-15T04:23:00.000-08:00

Something insanely unbelievable happen the other day, a tragedy. I actually shed a few tears when i found out, I'm not even sure i want to repeat it but here it goes *gulp* The love of my life Jensen Ackles has recently become engaged to Daneel Harris. WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY. Me and Jensen are just made for each other, yes i know hes 15 or so odd years older then me and we have never met but no one obsesses over him like i do. It's just not fair, I'm just going to have to pretend hes single when i fantasise and when i was single there was still that slight chance ah.. Jensen if she hurts you , you know who to call and i will still love you, just slighty less now, but that's still a truck load

I Feel Infinite

2009-11-13T18:59:00.000-08:00

One of the few good things that has happened previously is a swap of goodies with Amie.I Gave her one of my favourite books and my Micheal Jackson Rolling Stone magazine to read and she gave a Led Zeppelin concert DVD and two books to borrow, The Alchemist by Paulo Coelho ( witch i am halfway through) and The Perks of Being a Wallflower by Stephen Chbosky witch i finished within the first few days of receiving it and i LOVE it. The main character has the most amazing music taste and its such a good story. I seriously couldn't put it down, even during my breaks at dancing i would pull it out and continue even if i only got a page more read. There was a poem inside it witch i want to share,it's a little long but worth the read;

Once on a yellow piece of paper with green lines
he wrote a poem
and he called it "Chops"
because that was the name of his dog
and that's what it was all about
and his teacher gave him an A
and a gold star
and his mother hung it on the kitchen door
and read it to his aunts
that was the year Father Tracy
took all the kids to the zoo
and he let them sing on the bus
and his little sister was born
with tiny toenails and no hair
and his mother and father kissed a lot
and the girl around the corner sent him a
Valentine signed with a row of X's
and he asked his father what the X's meant
and his father always tucked him in at night
and was always there to do it

Once on a piece of white paper with blue lines
he wrote a poem
and he called it "Autumn"
because that was the name of the season
and that's what it was all about
and his teacher gave him an A
and asked him to write more clearly
and his mother never hung it on the kitchen door
because of its new paint
and the kids told him
that father Tracy smoked cigars
and left butts on the pews
and sometimes they would burn holes
that was the year his sister got glasses
with thick lenses and black frames
and the girl around the corner laughed
when he asked her to go see Santa Claus
and the kids told him why
his mother and father kissed a lot
and his father never tucked him in bed at night
and his father got mad
when he cried for him to do it

Once on a paper torn from his notebook
he wrote a poem
and he called it "Innocence: A Question"
because that was the question about his girl
and that's what it was all about
and his professor gave him an A
and a strange steady look
and his mother never hung it on the kitchen door
because he never showed her
that was the year that Father Tracy died
and he forgot how the end
of the Apostle's Creed went
and he caught his sister
making out on the back porch
and his mother and father never kissed
or even talked
and the girl around the corner
wore too much makeup
that made him cough when he kissed her
but he kissed her anyway
because that was the thing to do
and at three A.M he tucked himself into bed
his father snoring soundly

That's why on the back of a brown paper bag
he tried another poem
and he called it "Absolutely Nothing"
because that's what it was really all about
and he gave himself an A
and a slash on each damned wrist
and he hung it on the bathroom door
because this time he didn't think
he could reach the kitchen

That last paragraph stuck with me especially..

Also dearest Roxy let me borrow Russell Brand's My Booky Wook witch i have started and it is hilarious, in sighting and also kind of sad some of the stuff that happened in his youth.It's made me fall in love with him even more, but of course he is with Katy Perry now isn't he (why are all my men being snatched up! :[ there are photos of him throughout his life and everything he looked immensely different as a child. people underestimate Russel. hes overcome quite a lot.

Splash and Dash

2009-11-12T00:15:00.000-08:00

Today was quite the awesome. Went to the Beach with Steph+Axel+Jay. the beach was beautiful, everything was awesome. tanning while listening to Bob Marley oh yeah, i finally got some colour! no more I'm a white pommy look for me! I am also curious as to how our disposable camera shots are going to turn out =]

also i am sorry for i have not blogged in ages. my darn computer has been broken i almost died. i had so many thoughts bouncing around inside my head and so much Ive wanted to blog about. i don't know what i did with most of my thoughts before blogging.it's a good head space. i will update you on events and glorious findings and literature and events that have happened over the past few weeks, but for now i must depart, ciao!

He Is The Cheese To My Macaroni

2009-10-16T19:09:00.000-07:00

"In my opinion the best thing you can you do is find a person who loves you for exactly what you are. Good mood, bad mood, ugly, pretty, handsome what have you, the right person will still think the sun shines out of your ass. That's the kind of person that's worth sticking with."

That's what i need to find.....

Also social was the shit. So much better then i expected same with my after party it was so much fun. everyone was so good and showed me the love for such a good night, and telling me i have the coolest mum, some of them still cant believe she was there mixing drinks for us all ahah =]

Ive also re-fallen in love with converse photography, its just the coolest. here is some of my fav pics i have found these holidays <3

Never Judge A Book By It's Cover

2009-10-13T17:39:00.000-07:00

A few days ago my mum sister and i enjoyed a lovely lunch at Paddington Arms pub on oxford street. We went along oxford street to find a funky clothing store named Rif Raf (and yes the name reminds me of rocky horror too) All the clothes looked great on the rack, mum and i chose at least 15 tops and dresses to try on and i was excited as mum was in a generous mood. As i made my way to the dressing rooms there where newspaper articles showing names such as Paris Hilton shop here when they come to Sydney so it must be awesome clothing. As i tried each item on i got more and more disappointed. everything was cheaply made and hung so wrong on my body, half of it being so flowing and having too much material making me look pregnant or just plain crap. I got so disappointed. As we walked out of the store i saw such a hot guy but then he pulled out a cigarette and he instantly became so much less attractive. Appearance is deceiving and that day reminded me that. Another thing that has been on my mind is the horrid weather. it better get better come social or ill be very upset. so yes random blog post. (Y) bye!

Slide Through My Fingers

2009-10-06T01:54:00.000-07:00

Holidays, finally. Alot has happened since my last exam on Thursday morning. the last four days in particular. Had Amie's Alice in wonderland parity witch was a bast then Belinda's piss up that night, mum got a bit mad when she picked me up and i reeked of vodka but ah well :) haha. Last night at Maria's was rather interesting, i forgot how sleazy some guys can be, its rather gross. Guys who say stuff like that to chicks (when they have girlfriends to i might add) need their dicks removed. I got a new phone , ABOUT TIME. Ive been waiting since Christmas! its a sexy lil blue web slider and i love love love it. <3

I also told him what Ive been meaning to for a while. i love how when you pour your heart out all you get is, "ok". hes currently on the other side of the world and he still manages to annoy me.

Pocketful Of Sunshine

2009-09-25T20:01:00.000-07:00

I cleaned room again today, it's going to take me weeks to go through everything but I'm almost there. Buried in the piles of forgotten memories i found old birthday invites that have been kept, photographs and cheapo birthday cards from as long ago as year 8, we still continue that tradition today (I made Courtney a kick arse one for her birthday just recently =])While going through ll these they reminded me how much can change in just a few years, but also what stays the same. The friends that have stayed from the very beginning, even if there has been periods of not talking to each other and the ones who you knew deep deep down from the beginning you would later ask, why are we friends?"Things fall out of place so better things fall together" I must always remember that quote because it has proven to be true over and over again. Ive been in such a good mood recently it's quite good, i think its the fact the sunshine is back. An other thing, i got my Soundwave tickets in the mail two days ago I'm SO excited you have no idea.

Oh and friends, I have a new love. His name is Jacob Ring. He is a Sydney photographer and his pictures are amazing (to me anyway) Here's a few of my favourites, enjoy.

Morning Glory

2009-09-23T05:29:00.000-07:00

When i looked outside my window this morning i thought the Apocalypse had come or a bomb had been dropped or something, it scarred the shit out of me. But all in all a good day i guess. went pretty alright in my exams and they went so quickly, witch is good. then fell asleep on Meghan's bed :) I'm excited for the weekend that exams finish, Thursday and Friday is me and Mel's Disney movie marathon, then three parities the rest of the weekend to celebrate yiew.

Don't Stop Believing

2009-09-19T08:35:00.000-07:00

Glee was so so so good. I went to watch it at Emily's Thursday. it reminded me how much i love singing and dancing how good it makes me feel. Lifes been good, minus a stupid person on Friday who decided to tell me she doesn't like me at the most random and inappropriate time, apparently she thought i was being sarcastic to her, clearly shes an idiot because i was being nice for once. But on a brighter note :D danced at the club Friday night witch is always fun, studied for a bit today then watched some of the illegal DVDs mum smuggled back,(i love you illegal Thailand DVD makers ahaha) then hung out with Emily all day, love that girl we always have fun,and sorry for running after you today Anthony, but you had your ipod in :) haha. i got 150 buks this weekend, so soundwave tix are paid for (Y) :) i just hope i do well in my exams, fingers crossed people *crosses her fingers and toes*

The World At Large

2009-09-14T22:40:00.001-07:00

Today in design and technology i had to get all my thoughts down on paper, i wrote a massive note that said the following -

I cant do this anymore, i have no idea why i went to year 11. I'm not a morning person,i cant wake up so early and being tired all day does not help my mood or concentration, i cant work with structure and deadlines, school is to repetitive and structural,I don't know i just cant work this way and being so tired all the time makes me even more lazy then id normally be. The only reason I'm currently here is so i can see my friends everyday and because i feel that if i drop out, i would feel so bad of wasting mums money on a new uniform and almost another year off school fees, i don't deserve this, not one little bit. the only thing I'm good at is writing songs, singing and dancing and they happen to be the hardest things to make a career out of, trust. i should have dropped out in year 10, that would have been the smart thing to do, not think oh its okay ill be fine, I'm doing subjects i like but no, the lines for the subjects were gay and i had to do dnt along with art and music, am i fucking retarded?

i have NO idea what made me think i could do this and like i said before about one reason for me being here is my friends, well school is ruining my friendships to, because people cant grow up and keep their mouths shut. I cant remember the last time i woke up on a school day happy and the last time i had a day at school when i was in a genuine good mood all day. I don't deserve to be here and i currently don't want to be here and cant function here so why on earth should i spend a minute in this place? Being tired all the time makes my head cloudy, so i can barely remember what i learn even if I'm actually interested. and people will probably say well go to bed early well i try and i cant, i swear i have insomnia or something. The only thing I'm good at are the "talents" i mentioned before and also having people skill sand being a gutsy and loyal friend, but where will that get me in life?I shouldn't be here, this is probably the year that Ive resented school the most, i mean this is the first year that Ive actually jigged school. Ive also been sick the past week or so, right before the exams , worst timing in the world specially since the only exam i care about is my music performance and i cant practice for it because i cant sing with this cold.

i don't know what to do, stay and be unhappy, most likely fail anyway so its pretty much a waste of my parents money anyway or, leave, find something I'm good at but i just don't want to make my parents to think that their daughter is an absolute failure, all though they probably already do. what the fuck am i supposed to do. Ive never been in such a fucked up situation before. Ive been sleeping in mums bed this past week while shes been away on holiday while my dad and sis have been occupying the lounge room. My room reminds me of school and all my other worries. I'm so fucking confused. fml fml fml fml FML!

I used to be such a positive and happy person, i have no idea were that girl has gone.

I'm so stressed about everything, why cant people get along? Why cant people just stop holding grudges likes 5 year olds? How come people don't have real reasons for not talking to people anymore? high school is an insane mad house that i should have left as soon as i had the chance. the way gossip spreads this year is insane, i don't know who to trust anymore or what to believe.

A question i keep getting asked lately (and one i hate discussing) is "So, what do you want to do when you leave school?" Honestly all i want to do is form a band, sing Rock out and write music, but that sounds silly to most so i reply with a "Oh I'm not exactly sure yet?" then you get the whole "Oh well you better figure it out soon" here's what gets me every time......

HOW ON EARTH ARE WE SUPPOSED TO HAVE OUR WHOLE LIFE PLAN SORTED OUT BY 16? Why do we have to know exactly the career path we want to take instead of having a few ideas in mind? why do we have to do this while were in high school and are trying to figure out who the fuck we are and what it is we want in the first place and trying to fit in with this fucked up society? fuck the system. that's all i have left to say.

Oh except this one thing, the only good thing that has happened recently is that Roxy lent me the book "Dead Until Dark" by Charlaine Harris, witch is the first books that the awesome show True Blood is based on. i love it.

Shove It

2009-09-10T04:11:00.000-07:00

I think the king of pop MJ gt it right by making his best friends children and mannequins. when your older is so much harder to trust people, you cant trust anyone these days. as soon as things started getting normal today was just....i don't even know. I'm glad me and Fran had a good talk in ancient and i had a massive cry and just let it all out. i had the most awesomest art lesson with Kristie this arvo though, we cleaned up the entire art sink for miss and made a massive hand print and finger painting spectacular :) then my afternoon was good to, until someone said something annoyed me greatly. But I'm not telling her, I'm sure she's just being honest but it was NOT a good time. No a good day today at ALL.

Cant Stop

2009-09-05T07:00:00.000-07:00

I cried again tonight, i cant believe how much this i killing me. i really should avoid watching romantic movies like twilight like i did tonight, that was the stupidest thing i think Ive ever done. i didn't even think that watching a movie all about love would affect me. then i saw his facebook status "I'm loving Finland, i might never leave lol" My head was screaming, where is the dislike button!!!!!!! Then it also started thinking, how dare he make me fall in love with him right before he leaves, how dare he joke about that, how dare he leave me and turn me into the mess i currently am. stupid and harsh thoughts they were, its not his fault i know that but i couldn't stop thinking that for a few minutes. then the waterworks sprang a leak again. I hate this. I'm such a mess, i never thought id act this badly, I'm fine when I'm with friends. but when its late at night and I'm alone, it gets to me soo much. when its late at night and I'm alone I'm craving his company so much, i crave any human contact at all. Ive decided next weekend i am going to arrange a big girly sleepover at my house so I'm never alone, were going to watch comedies and horror movies, NO romances. none whats soever. i think i could do with a night with the girls....

Whatever It Is

2009-09-04T05:03:00.000-07:00

yesterday feels like a million years ago. yes it was only yesterday like all of year 11 finally gave those disgusting whore stalker year 9 girls a piece of our minds. it was epic :). yesterday was a good day, i thought id was actually to going to be okay with the fact that hes now gone. i received a bunch of random complements, i got told i was looking really good, that i had the best taste in music and that i was a really cool person in general. i was feeling the love and thinking, I'm going to be fine. but then today was COMPLETELY different. i got two hours sleep last night, my insomnia has become worse since hes left. i got two hours sleep last night so i was exhausted and looked like a pale ghost. this morning while at my bus stop i rembmerd that time he came over and when we were waiting there, its so sad i couldn't help it. i felt like crap all day, and when that nail went into my knee in design and technology and i teared up and went even more pale, well that did not help either, not mention period pain.

although i had a really good conversation with a mate i thought that wasn't a very deep person and did int have much too him, turns out he does....i love late night dnm's

Golden Touch

2009-09-01T00:25:00.000-07:00

Went to send Phil and Simon off at the airport today, everything was fine. when it was finally time for them to go i gave Phil a hug said id miss him then grabbed Simon and he held me so close to him, showering me with kisses and whispering how much he will miss me in his ear and how he will still talk to me while hes gone. i slipped his letter in the side pocket of his bag and said wait till you get on the plane, chances are hes read it by now. i hope he liked it. I'm just glad ill have Phil back in two months, when Simon's gone for about 6. I also officially love Phil's little brother Mathew, he said i looked like Lilly Allen, i was like naw babe haha :)

i didn't cry at the airport, he didn't see my tear at least, but i cried most of the car trip home, then when i got home i wasn't even thinking about it and i just started bawling my eyes out.

Single again, he's gone. I'm going to miss him so much, i know the time will probably fly by, and my friends are here for me and that ill live but for now ill just have to let all my tears roll out of me......

Black Tounge

2009-08-27T03:12:00.000-07:00

Today's weather was absolutely gorgeous, every time there is lovely weather like this i feel blessed to bare wittiness to such a glorious sight. i wish this weather was permanent it makes me feel so much happier and optimistic. I'm so excited for so much coming up stuff. I'm going to have the two Best dates to social, Kristian my man and Meghan my wifey =]. and if I'm going to Meghan's formal Ive decided I'm going in a tux and say "clearly, i wear the pants in the relationship....Meghan's the belt" I'm a funny one yes yes i know *flicks hair*

I'm also happy because i finally have a new book to read, i read almost every night and when i had every book i own and some even 3 times over i was getting upset, but then Stephie.d lent me "The Duchess" and I'm loving it. a biography on the Duchess Georgina in the 1700's its rather fascinating and i realised I'm in desperate need to go book shopping ( I'm currently DYING to grab Kurt Cobain Unseen) and yes to some reading this blog you must be thinking......Zara Hawthorne...................reads? yes behind my consent stupidity, clumsiness and mind in the gutter humour i actually truly enjoy literature.

I wish sometimes i lived in the future and it took about two seconds to get to peoples houses. i wish i could do that because there is a friend of mine that could really use a massive hug right about now. i hate it when my friends are depressed and i feel like i cant do anything about it.

I'm looking forward to Saturday though, last time I'm going to see him before i go off to the airport with him on Tuesday, five more days, i wonder how ill cope. I'm going to miss him so much. I'm writing him a letter to read on the plane though :) i hope he likes it.

I'm also currently addicted to the song "Red Wine Lips" by Lisa Mitchell. I love her album Wonder, i highly recommend it.

Dearest Roxanne =]

2009-08-25T04:25:00.000-07:00

My dear English friend wrote me a beautiful sonnet in her blog that made me smile so much. she is such a lovely girl with a beautiful face and soul and brains to go with it all. your an amazing girl and i hope your my friend for many many long years to come <3

Move Along

2009-08-23T22:35:00.000-07:00

Pretty sure I'm the most awesomest best friend ever. I'm so pumped for Soundwave best line up EVER. then when my Meghan said "i can't go i have to pay for schoolies and stuff" i was like OH NO YOU DON'T, and since her 18Th birthday is around the same time i decided to buy her a ticket for her birthday, tis going to be an awesome day, pretty sure the highlights will be

Paramore

Escape the Fate

Alexisonfire

My Chemical Romance

Taking Back Sunday

AFI

HIM

All Time Low

The Devil Wears Prada

Comeback Kid

Oh my god I'm so pumped it's insane .....AND Ive also got tickets for AC DC. Love Casey My babeh for that one <3

Also my Love for Tyson Ritter has grown even stronger since seeing him perform on Rove last night SHIRTLESS, covered in glitter and in peach skinny leg jeans, can you say hot-to-trot!?

and when he started licking the strings of the guitar i instantly said "I WANT TO BE THAT GUITAR!" Ah love life :)

Karma Police

2009-08-22T19:05:00.000-07:00

"Ive given all i can but its not enough"

i never want this weather to end. i went to harbored beach yesterday with miss Chloe and just layed on the sand in the sun watching the waves while we catted for hours, was so nice. then fish and chips at Dee Why kudos to her bro for the lift there and shouting us :) and Chloe's stack at bowling was freaking awesome ahaha.and pretty sure Simon's auntie Cathy is awesome, she likes British India, WOO ahahha. and Breadon, i don't jump the gun i just....have high expectations that get crushed :D haha

oh and the shit that goes on behind closed doors, the stuff i hear about people i know these days is crazy. i witness so many mistakes by many friends of mine. it makes me think maybe what I'm doing is a big mistake, or maybe that's just me being silly again......

but you seemed so distant last night and this morning. i felt a hint of boredom or just not caring. it cut me.

Apple Of The Eye

2009-08-16T06:27:00.000-07:00

Ah what a weekend. finally, nice beautiful summer weather, everything today was just gorgeous thanks to the sun. i spent all day in the sun, having a picnic, tennis and swim with my family and cousins. last night i went to something with numbers with Meghan, Brandon, Breadon, Jose, Emma and Pippa and it was pretty ace, even though Jose and breadon got kicked out :( breadons drunken dancing made me lol hehe =] and Friday night i stayed over at the bf;s, and Chloe came over for a bit (Y). i had a good night with him like i always do.

such a nice weekend, and something with numbers are awesome live.

Beautiful....

2009-08-10T01:02:00.000-07:00

I was so unique
Now I feel skin deep
I count on the make-up to cover it all
Crying myself to sleep cause I cannot keep their attention
I thought I could be strong
But it's killing me
Does someone hear my cry?
I'm dying for new life

I want to be beautiful
Make you stand in awe
Look inside my heart,
and be amazed
I want to hear you say
Who I am is quite enough
Just want to be worthy of love
And beautiful
Sometimes I wish I was someone other than me
Fighting to make the mirror happy
Trying to find whatever is missing
Won't you help me back to glory

i hate those low self esteem days

Bohemian Like You

2009-08-07T19:34:00.000-07:00

You know those days when everything is just right, its a nice day outside, you find the perfect outfit for the party for later that night and your I-tunes seems to be reading your mind and playing exactly what you want it to? today is one of those days, i Love it when my I-tunes reads my mind :). for tonight i have teamed a blue and black tie die bubble dress, stockings and converse, it looks epicly cool (oh and my black beanie of course). Ive only been awake for an hour and a half and i feel so bubbly and happy, its really random =]. i want more chucks, i think for Christmas and my birthday I'm going to request nothing but new converse. i want the Kurt Cobain ones i found on google *drool*

"I'll Never Let This Go....

2009-08-06T23:38:00.000-07:00

......but i cant find the words to tell you" i wont, i really don't want to. I loved last night, a nice relaxing night to end the stressful week Ive had. everything you said and did last night was pretty much everything i wanted to hear and wanted you to do. although i am quite sick today thinking about last night has been keeping my mood up all day. when i got home from school today i watched a whole season of sex and the city, and while i was i wonderd, do all our relationships have to be so.........................complicated? sure relationships all have their ups and downs but watching all the dramas in the show this afternoon made me realise how actually uncomplicated mine is, even though hes going away its still pretty smooth sailing witch is pretty good. i just wish relationships with everyone could just be smooth, its our last few years of school for crying out loud...why cant people just swallow their words and be nice to everyone.

I miss the old days....

.....But i also love the new ones

Map Of The Problematique

2009-08-01T05:43:00.000-07:00

Again, you acted immature and spoke to me like i was a fucking 5 year old. i cannot believe you flipped out over that, i did nothing wrong, i don't know why i spill tears over you. As much as i hate not talking to you and being mad at you i have to as much as it kills me inside. i think Ive started to like you a whole lot more then Ive been able to realise, i notice it most when we fight.

life is never what you expect it to be, it continuously throws surprises at you and they throw you off course. i wish i knew what life is going to throw at me next to further complicate my already very twisted and complex life, yes people its a lot fucked up then i let on , you have no idea.

i was also reading a friends blog and in it, it said "i wish i could say i am a normal teenager but I'm not", well i don't think there is such thing as a normal teenager anymore, what is normal these days? if its out there i don't think I'm familiar with it, because me and my close friends we are anything but ordinary, so don't worry dear not many of us would not be familiar with that term "normality" anymore

and here we go again

2009-07-30T05:24:00.000-07:00

again! really why! when i saw you this afternoon you looked so happy and healthy! i was so proud, but now Ive become so disappointed again. you just got back, now your out again, why do you keep doing this to yourself? your such a good kid at heart.

fuck, it just hit me how much i am going to miss a certain someone when they leave soon. you know when things just randomly hit you and you ......crack? that just happened this second. fml fml fml, I'm so breakable at times

aaalex&sille♥ ;; says:
*it will be okay
honestly,
*i know you,
it will be okay
*steal his clothes
it will be okay!
*and besides
hes not gone yet!
*awex doesnt like to hear that zawas crying,
*zawas to pretty to be crying

this is why i love you :)

Long Way To Happy

2009-07-25T22:56:00.000-07:00

Last day of the holidays. Back to school tomorrow, *shoots herself*. i really do not want to go back, this is probably the most Ive resented going back. Ive just had the best holidays and I'm just so over the concept of school, specially since Ive been hanging out with a lot of people who have finished school already. makes me just want to fast forward.

since it would take me days to tell you every awesome moment of the awesome holiday Ive had to use some pictures to show you instead, they do say pictures are worth a thousand words

Tools of Torture

2009-07-21T21:31:00.000-07:00

that's exactly what braces are. day three with them on. last night i feel asleep at 12. then at 2am i woke up from pain from my braces, i had a drink some panadol then tried to go back to sleep. but after hours of tossing and turning i knew it wasn't going to happen. before i knew it , it was 6 am. so i just stayed up and when everyone woke up i watched a movie with my cousins and drifted of for a bit in that. I've had about 10 panadols today and its done nothing. i can barley open my mouth is that swollen. i cant drink i cant eat i cant talk. this sucks so much.

who ever invented braces is an absolute arse. who wants to hunt this person down with me?

Ignorance

2009-07-19T20:23:00.000-07:00

Worst day in a real long time.

im exhausted. didn't fall asleep until 5am last night.

im frustrated. our first fight, and you were SO immature about it and kept trying to change topic.

im worried/ anxious. im getting my braces on today to, FML

im furious. im still in a cloud of anger, fustration and confusion

the only good thing that's happened today is that i downloaded paramores new single Ignorance. i like it muchly.

Naive

2009-07-19T06:58:00.000-07:00

i have been dreading the day my 11 year old sister came asking me detailed questions about all he birds and the bees and today my friends it happened, and quite frankly i found it the funniest thing ever.

she comes in my room with this massive book titled "girl stuff" its basically a big fat book that has sections on bullying, peer pressure, inner beauty all that jazz. there is all so a sex section wicth she decided not to read until tonight. she comes into my room and goes "zaza, how do you say that word?" *points to masturbation* i look and go HAHAHAHAHAHA and shes goes ":( whats so funny!" i look at her and go ahaha it says masturbation *still giggling* and shes like........"what does that mean?" I'm like HAHA I'M NOT ANSWERING THAT! JUST READ IT HAHAH!

i don't know why i found it so funny but just seeing my little sister ask that in such an innocent voice was pure gold.

after she walked out she came back in going..."zara...whats a clit?"

and i BURST out into laughter again and she repeated herself i said AHHAHA ASK YOUR MOTHER! and shes like arg fine!

so i heard her go out ask mum and i was still laughing, then my mum walked in and gave me a death stare for being so immature. ahahaha I'm sorry but it was too funny. besides i didint want to be blamed for stealing her innocence :).

anyway on another topic i would jsut like to say...

maybe he was right. maybe you are lazy. you put in som effort and make a treck for once. because im doing doing it for you every week.....

oh and did i mention my sister all so asked what lub was :)

Something in the way

2009-07-16T00:48:00.000-07:00

Today while walking around milsons point i kept thinking, "wow i wish i had her hair", "damn i wish i had her body" or "wow her eyes are beautiful...i envy her". it was really weird. i usually dont think like that. im often a lot more confident then this....was a strange feeling and a bit of a weird day overall. ah well i have a good weekend planned nows. i get to see the bf whoo. oh but Tuesday night with the wife (Meghan) was awesome. specially weirding the fuck out of Brandon ahaha :)

oh and that nirvana docco me and Meghan watched was pretty cool to (Y)

Random Bus Chat

2009-07-02T02:53:00.000-07:00

I had quite an interesting conversation with a really nice guy on the bus on the way home from the city today. At just 15 years old the poor guy had been through and is still going through it seemed. It made me open up my eyes a bit. that my previous actions and emotions and situations ive been in haven't been all too terrible. They went good situations i guess but i forgot that someone is all ways worse off. he was a really nice guy....i felt sorry for him. really did. I hope tonight he doesn't do what he told me he was going to do. I all so hope i get a call back, and im trying to remember where ive meet him from before but i just cant.hmmmm

anyway my weekend plans have fizzled. grounded yay love life =.=

oh well. im exhausted anyway. i would've died halfway through the weekend. thank fuck its the holidays tomorrow.

oh and im glad that a certain someone is int mad about Saturday's...events anymore =]

Drunken Mistake

2009-06-29T00:13:00.000-07:00

i feel so stupid right now. i wish it diint happen. that is all............

R.I.P

2009-06-28T23:42:00.000-07:00

I still cant believe it, but one of my heroes is dead. that's right, Micheal Jackson. at only 50. i cant believe this, he used to sleep in a special tank that was usually just used to help recovering burn victims, but he slept in one because he wanted to keep his body healthy and once said "If i treat my body right, hopefully ill live to at least 150" yet his life was cut short and died 100 years ahead of his desired age. He was an absolute legend. Sure he was anything but normal with all his scandals but most geniuses are corrupt ant they?

Call him wacko jacko if you wish. his career was ruined by people like you who accused him of being gay and having a weird obsession with children. do you know why he seemed to have a weird obsession with kids? no? well Micheal's dad was an abusive and dominating Man. Micheal had no childhood at would work more hours then most adults did from the age of 5. that's right 5. He said in one of his very few interviews that his childhood was taken from him completely, when he was in rehearsal rooms and saw lughing kids playing at in the park he would cry and cry. he only had his fellow Jackson 5 brothers and two other sisters and they all only had each other. he was an isolated child. Having his first hit at just age 11 he was under stress and the spotlight basically his whole life.

from an early age it was obvious Micheal was the most talented out of the bunch and his father saw this and would abuse him, whip him with belts before he went on stage, teased him about the shape of his nose (hence the many nose jobs) and mistakes during rehearsals were NOT allowed even at his ripe age. he was abused isolated and alone. sure he was a music sensation but at what price? He had no Christmases or Birthdays as a child. just work work work

this explains his strange obsession with kids. He loved his children and showered them with love and gifts, he wants them and others to have a happy childhood he never had. sure the whole molesting charges and the dangling his child over the balcony were not the smartest hings to do but really, how would he know how to treat a child properly when he was never treated right? child abuse is an on going cycle, when you corrupt one person that person continues to corrupt an other.

despite all this he has said that all of his dreams have pretty much come true and is the man behind the most bought record of all time, his album "Thriller". And on the way picked up about 13 Grammies (8 were for Thriller) and was and forever will be the King Of Pop.

He was an amazing entertainer, a fantastic dancer, a dreamer, a genius and his music will always and forever be loved and remembered

Rest In Peace M.J, you will not be forgotten. <3

Dreammaker

2009-06-26T21:59:00.001-07:00

I usually never dream, like never, and if i did id usually forget them by the time i woke up...but ive been having many lately and remembering them.

Thursday night i had a dream of all the worst things that could go wrong the morning befor the athletics carnival, thankfully nothing went wrong though, and last night as i was falling asleep in Simon's arms i started to dream that i was back in Disneyland and me and my little sister were holding hands skipping up Main Street Disneyland singing "ive got rhythm, ive got my baby, who could ask for anything more!" and like other old show tune songs. It was SO WEIRD!

I dont like this remembering dreams, i spend the next 5 days trying to figure out what they mean and if they have any warnings in them. *sigh*

On an different note, at the athletics carnival i wenti TWO races this year (even though i skipped and sung Micheal Jackson songs in is honer) but it was the most ive ever contributed. i had green food and everything and my outfit was ace!

GO BRADY!

Oh i all so saw lochie this arvo while i was in the city, was good to see him it had been to long! :)

Screaming ........Hallelujah

2009-06-22T06:00:00.000-07:00

"Some how everything's gonna fall right into place. " I really hope those words Paramores lead girl Haley Williams sing are true. I just want everything to fall back in to place. i had a good talk with an awesome red haired friend of mine today. she said , maybe the change of all the guys coming in and all the pressure set on us has affected everyone....just broken the old boundaries and bonds that we used to have. and i simply replied with.........................but i liked the old boundaries.....everything made more sense back then. Someone this year has continuously been making up rumours about me, trying to break a friendship with someone who is a completely different circle of friends from me and the majority of them dont like me. i wish people didint do stuff like that.really.

I mean its not like im un happy with my life...im soo grateful for the friends who havint change. maybe i needed this to see how lucky i am. i dont know. it may just be positive thinking but it gets me through the night.

but yes like i just said, im not entirely un happy im pretty lucky. Ive still have friends that love me, i have a best friend who is practically my sister and i have an awesome boyfriend and my life is moving forward thats for sure.

but i dont think i prepared myself for so much change. i just want to thank the people that are making me smile through it. i love you all deaply.

Attention Attention

2009-06-18T04:28:00.000-07:00

may i have all your eyes and ears?

i wouldn't bitch about you in a blog if you told me why you all have been acting differently towards me in the first place .i would ask first but im done with having to confront people about shit like this. Ive been putting up with crap like this for too many years and i dont have the energy and quite frankly have the time to be the strong person i used to be.

this is the reason i took the day off today. to get away from silly high school drama and the rain and be with that one person that can just hold me and it all goes away.... thank you so much for today :)

thank fuck the weekend is here

A-Punk

2009-06-14T00:09:00.000-07:00

Today was such a nice day. I love this kind of weather when driving in the car. It was so nice on the drive home from chatswood this afternoon, seeing glimpses of dull yellow sun pour out from gaps in the big grey clouds while listening to Kings of Leon with mum after she had bought me a new jersey, heels and a forever new beanie. whoo. I almost forgot how cool she is and how good her music taste was.

It was a good end to quite a smooth weekend. Things seem to slowly falling back into place. not everything, but a few things. Im thankful for that.

Im also contemplating dying my hair black or a darker brown. It would make my eyes stand out muchyl me thinks =]

Ive been listening to Halo by Bloc Party practically 24/7 this weekend. Addictive Shit (Y)

Shame and Fortune

2009-05-29T18:47:00.000-07:00

Parents ruin everything don't they, ruin your plans by not letting you go anywhere and then they make you want to scream when they use the century old excuses like "you'll understand when you have kids". Pretty sure when i have kids ill let them go and see their own boyfriends. mother chuckers.

anyway on a brighter note, Tina's party last night was pretty kick arse, although my feet are killing me from all the dancing in the killer heels, it was so worth it :)
and I'm so glad she played "Not Fair" by Lilly Alen, i had that song stuck in my head alll day yesterday, and got it stuck in everyone elses head, then when it got played everyone was like NO we just got it out of our heads, then i just bounced around singing all the words to everyone, please don't hate me guys, you know it's a totally kick arse song :D

Oh and something else, i wish i didint chicken out of things, ive been taken over by a fear. (stole the part from Lilly Alen =)

Addicted

2009-05-25T01:29:00.000-07:00

Epic weekend indeed. Although there was massive lack of sleep that doesn't realy bother me. multiple good things happened over the time period from Friday to the early hours of Monday morning but there was one particular stand out that has been making me smile quite a bit today :) ......yes that's right something else other then that weird man in the religion video going "and then the disciple's said can we COME, then Jesus said no, but i will COME again. lol lol lol ( if you don't get it put your mind in the gutter like i do )

But i realised theres a few people i havint seen in a while and really miss, i wish keeping in contact with everyone was easier!

tra la la =]

Kansas City

2009-05-19T02:06:00.000-07:00

I wish you would do something about it.........

that is all.

i think Santigold is epic (Y)

where did you sleep last night

2009-05-14T23:14:00.000-07:00

i got told something last night that surprised me quite a bit....i think the feelings neutral... im not 100% sure at the moment though, im a bit confused and shocked. it gave me a bit to think about too. i told two people that gave me two completely different responses and one of then shocked me too. i swear im going to like die from shock one day (especially after that little stunt troy pulled on me today , tisk tisk). Thank god for the weekend though aye? ive got a good one lined up (as usual) and im extra happy because the awesome last period art lesson i had, the laughing fits me and Vicky had this afternoon and ive got the latest RUSSH magazine (Y). love life.

oh and that feeling i told you all about in "litle shadow" is gone. i think last night did that.

Rewind?

2009-05-09T17:26:00.000-07:00

Once again i let my hormones get the better of me. I dont know how badly i hurt one of my good friends last night. We talked and everything, she said she was fine but there was something telling me that she wasint, and after speaking to a source, i know that she isint. I mean, it was just harmless fun....i think. i dont know whats going to happen between me and the person that i hurt and between the person i did the hurting with. fuck me dead im stupid. Its true what people say, i must be a whore. ive hurt so many people by doing stuff like this.