Pocketful Of Sunshine

I cleaned room again today, it's going to take me weeks to go through everything but I'm almost there. Buried in the piles of forgotten memories i found old birthday invites that have been kept, photographs and cheapo birthday cards from as long ago as year 8, we still continue that tradition today (I made Courtney a kick arse one for her birthday just recently =])While going through ll these they reminded me how much can change in just a few years, but also what stays the same. The friends that have stayed from the very beginning, even if there has been periods of not talking to each other and the ones who you knew deep deep down from the beginning you would later ask, why are we friends?"Things fall out of place so better things fall together" I must always remember that quote because it has proven to be true over and over again. Ive been in such a good mood recently it's quite good, i think its the fact the sunshine is back. An other thing, i got my Soundwave tickets in the mail two days ago I'm SO excited you have no idea.

Oh and friends, I have a new love. His name is Jacob Ring. He is a Sydney photographer and his pictures are amazing (to me anyway) Here's a few of my favourites, enjoy.

Morning Glory

When i looked outside my window this morning i thought the Apocalypse had come or a bomb had been dropped or something, it scarred the shit out of me. But all in all a good day i guess. went pretty alright in my exams and they went so quickly, witch is good. then fell asleep on Meghan's bed :) I'm excited for the weekend that exams finish, Thursday and Friday is me and Mel's Disney movie marathon, then three parities the rest of the weekend to celebrate yiew.

Don't Stop Believing

Glee was so so so good. I went to watch it at Emily's Thursday. it reminded me how much i love singing and dancing how good it makes me feel. Lifes been good, minus a stupid person on Friday who decided to tell me she doesn't like me at the most random and inappropriate time, apparently she thought i was being sarcastic to her, clearly shes an idiot because i was being nice for once. But on a brighter note :D danced at the club Friday night witch is always fun, studied for a bit today then watched some of the illegal DVDs mum smuggled back,(i love you illegal Thailand DVD makers ahaha) then hung out with Emily all day, love that girl we always have fun,and sorry for running after you today Anthony, but you had your ipod in :) haha. i got 150 buks this weekend, so soundwave tix are paid for (Y) :) i just hope i do well in my exams, fingers crossed people *crosses her fingers and toes*

The World At Large

Today in design and technology i had to get all my thoughts down on paper, i wrote a massive note that said the following -

I cant do this anymore, i have no idea why i went to year 11. I'm not a morning person,i cant wake up so early and being tired all day does not help my mood or concentration, i cant work with structure and deadlines, school is to repetitive and structural,I don't know i just cant work this way and being so tired all the time makes me even more lazy then id normally be. The only reason I'm currently here is so i can see my friends everyday and because i feel that if i drop out, i would feel so bad of wasting mums money on a new uniform and almost another year off school fees, i don't deserve this, not one little bit. the only thing I'm good at is writing songs, singing and dancing and they happen to be the hardest things to make a career out of, trust. i should have dropped out in year 10, that would have been the smart thing to do, not think oh its okay ill be fine, I'm doing subjects i like but no, the lines for the subjects were gay and i had to do dnt along with art and music, am i fucking retarded?

i have NO idea what made me think i could do this and like i said before about one reason for me being here is my friends, well school is ruining my friendships to, because people cant grow up and keep their mouths shut. I cant remember the last time i woke up on a school day happy and the last time i had a day at school when i was in a genuine good mood all day. I don't deserve to be here and i currently don't want to be here and cant function here so why on earth should i spend a minute in this place? Being tired all the time makes my head cloudy, so i can barely remember what i learn even if I'm actually interested. and people will probably say well go to bed early well i try and i cant, i swear i have insomnia or something. The only thing I'm good at are the "talents" i mentioned before and also having people skill sand being a gutsy and loyal friend, but where will that get me in life?I shouldn't be here, this is probably the year that Ive resented school the most, i mean this is the first year that Ive actually jigged school. Ive also been sick the past week or so, right before the exams , worst timing in the world specially since the only exam i care about is my music performance and i cant practice for it because i cant sing with this cold.

i don't know what to do, stay and be unhappy, most likely fail anyway so its pretty much a waste of my parents money anyway or, leave, find something I'm good at but i just don't want to make my parents to think that their daughter is an absolute failure, all though they probably already do. what the fuck am i supposed to do. Ive never been in such a fucked up situation before. Ive been sleeping in mums bed this past week while shes been away on holiday while my dad and sis have been occupying the lounge room. My room reminds me of school and all my other worries. I'm so fucking confused. fml fml fml fml FML!

I used to be such a positive and happy person, i have no idea were that girl has gone.

I'm so stressed about everything, why cant people get along? Why cant people just stop holding grudges likes 5 year olds? How come people don't have real reasons for not talking to people anymore? high school is an insane mad house that i should have left as soon as i had the chance. the way gossip spreads this year is insane, i don't know who to trust anymore or what to believe.

A question i keep getting asked lately (and one i hate discussing) is "So, what do you want to do when you leave school?" Honestly all i want to do is form a band, sing Rock out and write music, but that sounds silly to most so i reply with a "Oh I'm not exactly sure yet?" then you get the whole "Oh well you better figure it out soon" here's what gets me every time......

HOW ON EARTH ARE WE SUPPOSED TO HAVE OUR WHOLE LIFE PLAN SORTED OUT BY 16? Why do we have to know exactly the career path we want to take instead of having a few ideas in mind? why do we have to do this while were in high school and are trying to figure out who the fuck we are and what it is we want in the first place and trying to fit in with this fucked up society? fuck the system. that's all i have left to say.

Oh except this one thing, the only good thing that has happened recently is that Roxy lent me the book "Dead Until Dark" by Charlaine Harris, witch is the first books that the awesome show True Blood is based on. i love it.

Shove It

I think the king of pop MJ gt it right by making his best friends children and mannequins. when your older is so much harder to trust people, you cant trust anyone these days. as soon as things started getting normal today was just....i don't even know. I'm glad me and Fran had a good talk in ancient and i had a massive cry and just let it all out. i had the most awesomest art lesson with Kristie this arvo though, we cleaned up the entire art sink for miss and made a massive hand print and finger painting spectacular :) then my afternoon was good to, until someone said something annoyed me greatly. But I'm not telling her, I'm sure she's just being honest but it was NOT a good time. No a good day today at ALL.

Cant Stop

I cried again tonight, i cant believe how much this i killing me. i really should avoid watching romantic movies like twilight like i did tonight, that was the stupidest thing i think Ive ever done. i didn't even think that watching a movie all about love would affect me. then i saw his facebook status "I'm loving Finland, i might never leave lol" My head was screaming, where is the dislike button!!!!!!! Then it also started thinking, how dare he make me fall in love with him right before he leaves, how dare he joke about that, how dare he leave me and turn me into the mess i currently am. stupid and harsh thoughts they were, its not his fault i know that but i couldn't stop thinking that for a few minutes. then the waterworks sprang a leak again. I hate this. I'm such a mess, i never thought id act this badly, I'm fine when I'm with friends. but when its late at night and I'm alone, it gets to me soo much. when its late at night and I'm alone I'm craving his company so much, i crave any human contact at all. Ive decided next weekend i am going to arrange a big girly sleepover at my house so I'm never alone, were going to watch comedies and horror movies, NO romances. none whats soever. i think i could do with a night with the girls....

Whatever It Is

yesterday feels like a million years ago. yes it was only yesterday like all of year 11 finally gave those disgusting whore stalker year 9 girls a piece of our minds. it was epic :). yesterday was a good day, i thought id was actually to going to be okay with the fact that hes now gone. i received a bunch of random complements, i got told i was looking really good, that i had the best taste in music and that i was a really cool person in general. i was feeling the love and thinking, I'm going to be fine. but then today was COMPLETELY different. i got two hours sleep last night, my insomnia has become worse since hes left. i got two hours sleep last night so i was exhausted and looked like a pale ghost. this morning while at my bus stop i rembmerd that time he came over and when we were waiting there, its so sad i couldn't help it. i felt like crap all day, and when that nail went into my knee in design and technology and i teared up and went even more pale, well that did not help either, not mention period pain.

although i had a really good conversation with a mate i thought that wasn't a very deep person and did int have much too him, turns out he does....i love late night dnm's

Golden Touch

Went to send Phil and Simon off at the airport today, everything was fine. when it was finally time for them to go i gave Phil a hug said id miss him then grabbed Simon and he held me so close to him, showering me with kisses and whispering how much he will miss me in his ear and how he will still talk to me while hes gone. i slipped his letter in the side pocket of his bag and said wait till you get on the plane, chances are hes read it by now. i hope he liked it. I'm just glad ill have Phil back in two months, when Simon's gone for about 6. I also officially love Phil's little brother Mathew, he said i looked like Lilly Allen, i was like naw babe haha :)

i didn't cry at the airport, he didn't see my tear at least, but i cried most of the car trip home, then when i got home i wasn't even thinking about it and i just started bawling my eyes out.

Single again, he's gone. I'm going to miss him so much, i know the time will probably fly by, and my friends are here for me and that ill live but for now ill just have to let all my tears roll out of me......