Stay Away

i don't understand anything any more. as soon as you think you finally have everything figured out and your life's on track everything just stuffs up again. it's happening already. it's only the second month of the year and it's happening. I'm spinning, in a downwards spiral, back into that deep dark hole which took me so long to climb out of. even though i may not look upset all the time and i do experience genuine moments of being happy most days, it doesn't mean I'm any less depressed then i was that night before retreat i guess. it did improve for a while but it always creeps back. i feel ugly all of the time, no matter what the compliment i receive is. I'm not sad, being sad and being depressed are two completely different things. if your sad, you can get better after a a good talk with a friend and a nice cup of hot chocolate, but when your depressed it's always at the back of your mind, even when you don't realises it and always manages to creep back. i don't know why I'm feeling so crap all the time. maybe lack of sleep? who knows. all i do know is that I'm falling again, many recent things i have triggered it and i really wish i could get rid of this feeling....but i just can't.