Stay Away

i don't understand anything any more. as soon as you think you finally have everything figured out and your life's on track everything just stuffs up again. it's happening already. it's only the second month of the year and it's happening. I'm spinning, in a downwards spiral, back into that deep dark hole which took me so long to climb out of. even though i may not look upset all the time and i do experience genuine moments of being happy most days, it doesn't mean I'm any less depressed then i was that night before retreat i guess. it did improve for a while but it always creeps back. i feel ugly all of the time, no matter what the compliment i receive is. I'm not sad, being sad and being depressed are two completely different things. if your sad, you can get better after a a good talk with a friend and a nice cup of hot chocolate, but when your depressed it's always at the back of your mind, even when you don't realises it and always manages to creep back. i don't know why I'm feeling so crap all the time. maybe lack of sleep? who knows. all i do know is that I'm falling again, many recent things i have triggered it and i really wish i could get rid of this feeling....but i just can't.

Hurricane Streets

Taping our hands together like dinosaurs,All nighters, sleeping in tents, Manly beach, sand and water fights, burying Rochelle, sleeping over at Jacqui's, Failing at Mario Cart on her game cube, Sailor moon and fast food, Jaffar flavoured ice cream (lmao),"OK JONO KEEP IT IN YOUR PANTS FOR HALF AN HOUR!", grape throwers, "why do i smell like Doritos?", raping Kirsty with a toilet roll, prank calls, scaring lad's by singing YMCA in the middle of the train station, sitting in front of the male toilets while on the ferry, "Hello my name is Tatiana ima from a Russia i get Mafia on you ahehee ;)",roasting marshmallows, "ill met you guys at the key place (circular quay?? haha troy), them damn wogs getting kebabs at manly then throwing hot chips and getting attacked by 100's of seagulls. just a quick recap on the past day and a bit. i had a blast i don't want this summer to ever end, it;s gone to quick, I'm just not ready for school, not yet.....i wish i had a safety net, that is all k thanks bye.

Ashtray Heart

I want an off switch for my feelings. today was going so well, until it happened i got what i wanted at the time i guess but afterwards i thought stupid me. you kissed me. then i said stop. its crazy what just a kiss can do. that it can make everything cloudy again. it kind of has. i know you can't date me or whatever, but i still have feelings and it seems like you do as well. it's like being in a relationship without actually being in one. it's going be hard to hang with this one and just be '"friends" *sigh* I have ruined the freindship by saying anything, pretty sure i need to learn to keep my mouth shut.

just because men have dicks doesint mean they have to act like one

ok first off yes i am completely over you and two how dare you do that. you start a fucking conversation with me so i be normal hey whats up la la la then oh shes back online hush now bye bye. um no. you once said that when your old gf left and went overseas u were a mess yeah well guess what im not made of fucking stone so was i and even though im over you i dont fucking appreciate being told to hush so u can talk to some chick you met over there when i was miserable here so fuck you. and when i told you this you come back with yeah well i dont appreciate you talking shit about me then when i say what does that mean back that up, you go quiet yeah thats right so i hope you enjoy the last words i will exchange with you for a very long time witch here fine ok i see how it is all you men are the same just dicks i feel sorry for Linda bye *blocks* i HATE men and relationships never get into one they just FUCK with you

Carousel

Hello blog, it's been a bit. I've been rather busy lately. Things are good, really good, even though I'm a bit nervous about school witch is starting soon because i still have some things hanging over my head from last term witch i just want to get rid of because i want to start fresh,clean,organised and ready and get get this last year over and done with (then party like crazy) but yes apart from that like i said things have been good. first of I'm over men and decided I'm just going to crush on no one but Haley Williams from now on. Yesterday was so good. i hosted a little party for Kristen and Jacqui. before everyone came Casey came over we baked a failed chocolate cake (witch still tasted delish even though it broke into two pieces) and watched sex and the city. life does not get much better. people say that the holidays show who your real friends are. witch is true for some people i know this has helped them see who really cares about them it has for me too. Ive seen and kept in contact with practically everyone witch i am really thankful for and even if i haven't seen some people we have still had the courtesy to invite each others to events and such but sometimes it's so hard to see people. i wish days lasted longer.

Nasty Habits?

had an amazing day with jacqui, fran, kirsty and rachel today. after hours of talking and dnm'ing it kind of made me realize that relationships are rather fucked and can be hard work, and you fight for stupid reasons and made me totally rethink my new years resolution, why not have fun? and if someone does comes along that's a bonus? i don't know if i should throw it all away, chances are probably wouldn't have lasted anyway. hmm we will see i guess...

Im Not Down

Still awake...

All nighter last night, not that it was a pre meditated decision or anything, just happened once again as my insomnia took over.....Ew, theres a weird bug on Russel Brands autobiography *Proceeds to smash it to death with a new unread book received for Christmas titled "Puccini's Ghosts", if you have read it and think it's not worth the read, let me know*Now where was i, ah yes no sleep and me writing this at 6.25 am. it's rather nice watching the sun come up but mind you it's much nicer when the weather isn't as ghastly as this. To me there is something disturbingly peaceful about the wee hours of the morning. It's so quite that i was almost petrified to get my daily morning(well, usualy for me midday) fix of breakie juice, (as coffee doesn't agree with my taste buds) because i thought i would wake the whole house up, though me getting a drink or something when everyone is asleep late at night, I'm fine well most likely because i often do so and i am a night owl so I'm more used to the stillness of the night. to be honest I'm More scared of the early hours of morning then the dark hours of night. most likely because when I'm usually waking up the world has woken up and has proceeded to live their lives but at this hour when the majority is still asleep yet the sun is up, it scares me to look outside. i think things like, was there a bomb last night that killed everyone but me? hello, where is the world?

i don't really know why I'm writing all this, just feel like too many random thoughts have been bouncing around all night i guess, i think just the way a city or suburb can be so alive at certain times then so dead the next. ok, I'm going to go indulge my mind now by reading Frankie magazines and The Perks Of Being A Wallflower (again! =]), while listening to Phoenix and the Dirty projectors. yeah random blog post indeed......adios!