The World At Large

Today in design and technology i had to get all my thoughts down on paper, i wrote a massive note that said the following -

I cant do this anymore, i have no idea why i went to year 11. I'm not a morning person,i cant wake up so early and being tired all day does not help my mood or concentration, i cant work with structure and deadlines, school is to repetitive and structural,I don't know i just cant work this way and being so tired all the time makes me even more lazy then id normally be. The only reason I'm currently here is so i can see my friends everyday and because i feel that if i drop out, i would feel so bad of wasting mums money on a new uniform and almost another year off school fees, i don't deserve this, not one little bit. the only thing I'm good at is writing songs, singing and dancing and they happen to be the hardest things to make a career out of, trust. i should have dropped out in year 10, that would have been the smart thing to do, not think oh its okay ill be fine, I'm doing subjects i like but no, the lines for the subjects were gay and i had to do dnt along with art and music, am i fucking retarded?

i have NO idea what made me think i could do this and like i said before about one reason for me being here is my friends, well school is ruining my friendships to, because people cant grow up and keep their mouths shut. I cant remember the last time i woke up on a school day happy and the last time i had a day at school when i was in a genuine good mood all day. I don't deserve to be here and i currently don't want to be here and cant function here so why on earth should i spend a minute in this place? Being tired all the time makes my head cloudy, so i can barely remember what i learn even if I'm actually interested. and people will probably say well go to bed early well i try and i cant, i swear i have insomnia or something. The only thing I'm good at are the "talents" i mentioned before and also having people skill sand being a gutsy and loyal friend, but where will that get me in life?I shouldn't be here, this is probably the year that Ive resented school the most, i mean this is the first year that Ive actually jigged school. Ive also been sick the past week or so, right before the exams , worst timing in the world specially since the only exam i care about is my music performance and i cant practice for it because i cant sing with this cold.

i don't know what to do, stay and be unhappy, most likely fail anyway so its pretty much a waste of my parents money anyway or, leave, find something I'm good at but i just don't want to make my parents to think that their daughter is an absolute failure, all though they probably already do. what the fuck am i supposed to do. Ive never been in such a fucked up situation before. Ive been sleeping in mums bed this past week while shes been away on holiday while my dad and sis have been occupying the lounge room. My room reminds me of school and all my other worries. I'm so fucking confused. fml fml fml fml FML!

I used to be such a positive and happy person, i have no idea were that girl has gone.

I'm so stressed about everything, why cant people get along? Why cant people just stop holding grudges likes 5 year olds? How come people don't have real reasons for not talking to people anymore? high school is an insane mad house that i should have left as soon as i had the chance. the way gossip spreads this year is insane, i don't know who to trust anymore or what to believe.

A question i keep getting asked lately (and one i hate discussing) is "So, what do you want to do when you leave school?" Honestly all i want to do is form a band, sing Rock out and write music, but that sounds silly to most so i reply with a "Oh I'm not exactly sure yet?" then you get the whole "Oh well you better figure it out soon" here's what gets me every time......

HOW ON EARTH ARE WE SUPPOSED TO HAVE OUR WHOLE LIFE PLAN SORTED OUT BY 16? Why do we have to know exactly the career path we want to take instead of having a few ideas in mind? why do we have to do this while were in high school and are trying to figure out who the fuck we are and what it is we want in the first place and trying to fit in with this fucked up society? fuck the system. that's all i have left to say.

Oh except this one thing, the only good thing that has happened recently is that Roxy lent me the book "Dead Until Dark" by Charlaine Harris, witch is the first books that the awesome show True Blood is based on. i love it.